Conflict

Conflict

By Dr Amelia Shay in collaboration with the Therapy House team.

Conflict in our relationships

Have you ever noticed that you are a better problem solver at work when compared to home? Perhaps you’ve made the same observations about your partner? Often times, we have very successful rules at work but when it comes to our own home, we can find it hard to negotiate and resolve conflict with our partners. Some people believe their partner is not good at problem solving or ‘gets too emotional’ – but is it always just one person?

Dr Sue Johnson, a highly regard relationships psychologist says, “You get very triggered by your emotional partner because the relationship matters so much”. We might not get as mad or upset by a neighbour who thinks we are not very smart, for example, but hearing this from our partner can be very hurtful and create big emotional responses. We all react differently to the intensity of our inner emotions. Some express these feelings outward and may ‘tune them up’ while others ‘tune them down’. Both of these ways of dealing with conflict has its own adaptive purpose, and can be healthy when used in moderation. However, if both are used to extreme degrees consistently, they can cause serious damage to relationships. We can get easily triggered by our partner’s way of dealing with their emotions, especially if they are different to our own methods. These patterns can become very heightened when there is conflict between partners.

Whether we like it or not, conflict is a normal and inevitable part of life. We all have different perspectives, preferences, needs, strengths and weaknesses, and when these interact, these normal differences have the potential to become points of conflict. Conflict happens at home, at school, at work – during any interaction between two people, and continues throughout our lives. It is almost impossible to evade conflict. Some people find it easier to deal with conflict, while others avoid it at all costs. While no one enjoys a high conflict environment, avoiding it is not healthy. Having some level of emotional tolerance for conflict and the ability to address and resolve conflicts is an important life skill that we learn early on.

Conflict in childhood

Children instinctively ‘absorb’ and learn from the way their parents express their own feelings and needs, as well as how they communicate during moments of disagreement and conflict. Relationships are built on the foundation of trust and safety, and conflict can cause minor or temporary ‘ruptures’ to these relationships. Long-term, unresolved conflict can seriously damage or destroy safety in the relationship. Gottman, an internationally recognised eminent relationship counsellor, believes that it is not the level of conflict that predicts divorce in a marriage, but how people deal with conflict. With healthy conflict resolution, people can heal relationship ruptures together. The way parents negotiate with each other and with others teaches their child whether issues can be worked through and resolved, or to fear that conflict will end a relationship.

Is conflict between parents always bad for kids?

Seeing and hearing some conflict at home is not always a bad thing for children, as it can model how to cope and resolve with conflict in their lives. What matters it the type of conflict they are exposed to, and whether it is being expressed and resolved in an equal, safe and negotiated way.

Healthy conflict involves:

• Parents expressing themselves openly and respectfully, without putting each other down, talking over the top of each other, or overly raising their voices;
• Talking about the topic being disagreed upon without personally attacking the other;
• Parents genuinely listening to the other parent’s point of view and acknowledging it;
• Seeking to resolve the issue rather than ‘winning’ the argument, with parents being open to negotiating an agreement that involves compromise where possible;
• Sometimes agreeing to disagree for the moment, either letting the issue go or leaving it to be discussed at another time.

 

Conflict that hurts children:

• Arguing about your child or disagreeing with the way they are disciplined in front of them, as well as involving your child in an argument is extremely confusing and damaging to children. Children may feel responsible for their parents’ problems and can feel they need to side with one parent over the other. This can result in children withdrawing, becoming anxious, losing trust in one or both parents, or acting out angrily. This can also lead children to becoming ‘players’ in their parents’ issues by taking sides, telling tales and telling each parent what they think may feed into the ‘game’.
• Conflict that lingers or is unspoken that involves long periods of silence, one person ignoring the other, or family members walking on egg shells creates ongoing tension which is unhealthy to live with for all members of the home environment. The underlying message for children is that speaking up will worsen a situation and may jeopardise a relationship. Children may learn to be quiet about their own problems in relationships and avoid arguments at all costs.  In this way, it can normalise “people-pleasing” to keep the peace, and manipulative behaviour to get emotional needs met.  Children living with this kind of tension can literally feel sick and may be wary of speaking up about their own needs, at home, with their friends, and when they grow up.  Alternatively, children might act out, in an unconscious effort to resolve the unspoken issues or advocate for one parent or the other.
• Conflict that is explosive, results in one or both parents yelling and screaming, or emotional or physical abuse. Children in this situation are likely to feel unsafe, unhappy and angry. Their emotional and physical energy is directed to coping with fear and surviving, and they tend to feel invisible to their parents, often lacking the self-esteem to reach out to others.  Children may act these emotions out, replicating the behaviour of one or both parents in their own relationships at school.  This means that children may be at a higher risk of being bullied or becoming bullies, acting out at school or struggling to focus, and struggling with their own friendships.  As adults, children who have lived with aggression or violence are likely to repeat these patterns, by becoming involved with a dominating or aggressive person, or treating their partner that way.  Exposure to this type of conflict during childhood also results in significantly higher levels of mental health issues as an adult, including depression and anxiety.

 

Remember, conflict is unavoidable and in any relationship, people will face conflict. Resolving conflict requires a level of emotional tolerance and healthy conflict resolution skills, that many of us have not learnt especially in our intimate relationships. Learning to address conflict needs a lot of practice, and the ability to be able to remain vulnerable with each other.

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